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Oh so now I have a baby. [Feb. 15th, 2012|07:19 pm]
It's true. I do. And she's wonderful.

I mean(t) to write about all of it here. I haven't, because until recently, I was having a really hard time with things. Like laboring for 37 hours, pushing for 3, and needing an emergency c-section. Like ending up in the ICU a week later with my tiny baby for a week after they told us she had meningitis and could die, only to find out they were WRONG.

It's been a real rollercoaster. I finally feel like I'm getting the hang of things, now that I'm mostly better physically and emotionally. I love her more and more each day. She's the coolest thing I ever made. Someday, I'll tell you all about it. For now, here are a couple photos of Violet Hester, born at 5:55pm on 1/1/12. She was born with a crapton of hair (top photo is of her after we sat by the window "watching" her first sunrise :), bottom one is her at 4 days.), a big noggin, and huge monkey feet. She's already too tall for NB size clothes (and some brands of 0-3 month stuff), and her feet are too big for 0-3 month footed sleepers. Keeping her clothed is going to be iiinteresting.


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3/4 of the way there! [Oct. 25th, 2011|12:17 pm]
Well. Time flies, boys and girls. It flies so quickly. If I am "average", I'll be a mom in 10-12 weeks. So strange. May 2nd (the first day I had morning sickness and went "um, is this what morning sickness feels like? HOLYSHIT") seems so recent. But no, it's been almost 6 months since then.

Goldfish is now starting to run out of wiggle room. S/he can no longer truly wind up and punch/kick me in my vital organs with the same vigor as 28 weeks. S/he is, however, very very good at streeeetching and putting pressure on uncomfortable places. It doesn't hurt, so much as feel very strange. Yesterday, there was one good, strong kick (I suspect the baby has been flipped over for a couple of days and is head-down) while I was blocking a shawl, and it nailed me right in the boob. Hard.

Speaking of boobs- My boobs are strange. They're changing again. They are tender again, and they are like, not my own. For the most part, I am happy with my body. It's kind of crazy. I have been more confident about my body and more in love with my body during this whole thing than I ever have been. I've gained weight, obviously, and nothing fits quite right, and the only shoes that I find comfortable don't match *anything* I own. And I don't care. It's kind of awesome. The only thing I've been weird about is my boobs. I have brief moments every couple of days where I really feel like something out of National Geographic. But it passes.

I've gotten our diapering strategy figured out. It's going to be a challenge to cloth diaper with old, communal washing machines, but I've done fuckloads of research and believe I've got it figured. In about a week, we'll be placing our giant order of supplies at Nicki's Diapers (I feel pretty badass about being able to buy our whole wishlist there, even if it is only 6 things, heh) and that will be that. We'll have all of the initial setup stuff taken care of. I couldn't have gotten pregnant at a more perfect time for us, financially. Jeff is about to get a raise, hopefully a sizeable year-end bonus, and then we'll get a tax return. Here's hoping G is a 2011 baby. Oh- and our grocery store is right by some major light-rail construction, so tons of prices on fruit/veg/yogurt/beans/juice have been capped at least till 1/1/12, so we've been doing pretty well on the grocery budget. Even if we can't always eat organic, we're still going to eat fresh. It is still going to be tight. It will always be tight. Luckily, I'm damn good at this housewife thing, we're resourceful, and Jeff is still willing to sell his plasma for a few more months.

My mom still hasn't visited us at all. I'm still messed up about this. I'm almost done with this pregnancy, and she hasn't bothered to visit. About 3 weeks ago she did say she wanted to come visit, but wouldn't commit to a date, and hasn't called since then. She joined facebook and added me a couple weeks ago (or someone started an account in her name, there is no real info, no photos. I wouldn't put it past her husband to do that to fuck with me) , and she hasn't posted or interacted with anyone I just... I am her only child. This could possibly be her only grandchild. I'm really disappointed that I and my baby haven't factored in as priorities at all. Being about to become a mother I'm recognizing her selfishness more and more, and just hoping that I learn from it all and don't perpetuate that cycle of selfishness. I'm terrified that all of a sudden she's going to insist upon being present for the birth, and I do not want her there. I am so angry at her. I feel so abandoned by her. I wish I could just call her, but I am so afraid her husband will answer :(

Anyway, almost there! Yay!

I am not going to do an LJ cut because, well, nobody really seems to read LJ anymore and I don't feel like a jerk for sucking up the entire friends page view. Nyah.
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It's either Esther Williams or an otter. [Sep. 30th, 2011|09:26 am]
Last night, Goldfish woke me up about 17 times with water ballet. It didn't *hurt*. It was just enough pressing and jabbing to let me know something was in there and wasn't sleepy. I feel like I crossed over some sort of threshold yesterday. All of a sudden, it's like I can feel EVERY little squish and flip and stretch. Last night it was moving around so much that Jeff actually got to see and feel a lot of movement. I held the book while he read to Goldfish, and he kept his hand on my belly so he could feel, and he finally got to feel how it follows his voice. It was so neat. I'M GOING TO BE A MOTHER YOU GUYS. SOON.
Long long longCollapse )

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Hi! I'm alive! This is going to be a long one. [Sep. 12th, 2011|11:15 am]
Seems like everybody is simultaneously missing LJ :) Including me! I don't know what to write about or what you are most interested in.

I'm very pregnant

I live in Minnesota now

WI is still exploding and it hurts my soul because there's not much I can do anymore :(

I have been knitting like a demon

I am happy

Goldfish has been kicking up a storm. I'm glad to feel this, even when s/he is kicking me really hard. I feel more connected to this little kiddo now, and am growing more and more prepared for this by the day. I just need to trust my body, trust myself, trust my husband. I think Jeff is going to be really great at the birth. At first, I was a wee bit doubtful, but he's been his awesome, supportive self, and I think he's more educated than I am about some things. I never thought I'd be glad to have struggled through so many kidney stones/infections, but I am so thankful I've been in lots of pain before, so I know how I react under physical duress. I realize labor will be that x10, but. I can assume I will react in a similar fashion, at least at first.

I meet my midwife on the 20th. So strange to be switching providers more than halfway through the game. But good. Glad to move on to this model. Have been unimpressed with the care I've gotten so far. Good thing I've been studying nutrition, etc on my own. No support from my OB in RF, really. Awesome to get so many pictures, but no support for the whole me/baby. Just numbers, etc.

Am starting to feel like G is a girl. Have absolutely nothing to base it on. And I don't KNOW in my heart or anything, just vague inklings. Still adding to the short list of middle names. Still struggling for a good short list of boy first names. We keep wanting to dive heavily into nerdness re: boy names. We actually had a several minute long, very serious, conversation about the name "Doctor".

Minnesota, Minnesota, Minnesota. Weird, weird, weird. I tear up every time I start using "we" in reference to WI, and I have to correct myself. I love Wisconsin fiercely. I feel like a terrible person for abandoning her right now. The GOP still won't stop the madness, now wants to classify fetal cells as BODY PARTS. Still making voter ID issues stupid and difficult, firing people for sharing information about free IDs and such. I fought so hard. I gave so much. We didn't win our election, but I count it as a success. I am proud of the work I did, that we did, the example WI is setting, even when mainstream media doesn't care to report any of it. It has been so hard to step back, but it's out of my hands now. I need to focus on my family and my self now, and prepare for this crazy crazy thing I am about to experience.

I love living in the city so far. I get really fucking crabby about communal spaces (hallways, etc) being disrespected. I get really fucking crabby about people propping our security doors open late at night. BUT I like the noise, I like the sunlight, I like being able to walk to the corner to get a gyro. I like that Super Target is so incredibly close. I like hearing people speak different languages, and the smells from various kitchens wafting out of the windows in my neighborhood. I like that my husband is home a little quicker, and that his bus ride is so much more relaxing (and CHEAPER!) than having to drive to and from work. I love that things are open late enough so even though he works weird hours, we can still do things after work.

Apparently, I have to take a written driving test to get licensed in MN. And I have to have a MN license or ID to register to vote (my lease isn't good enough here, not that it would be in WI in a few more months, either). this is sort of inconvenient. Except that Jeff works in the same building as one of the DMV offices, so we already know where to go :)

I'm excited to have access to the library here. Like damn, and like whoa.

I'm excited that I can do things with friends here. I'm excited that I could hop on a bus right now and just go to MOA.

All in all, it's good to be me. We're still so nervous about how the whole budget/money thing is going to go. Like usual. It's OK, though. We're in that weird window where we make enough that we won't qualify for any assistance, but if we want the luxury of health insurance, we won't be able to save much. Hoping Jeff gets a good raise next month, and that the gain share check toward the end of the year exists and is generous so's we can breathe easier. But yeah. Things are good, I am well. I can't promise to do more than duck my head in here occasionally, but I thought I should at least say something, since y'all are doing it, lately :)
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Open letter to Ginia Bellafante (who ripped the HBO AGOT series apart, and then attacked the books) [Apr. 16th, 2011|08:29 pm]
(she pretty much claims women will only watch for the sex because they could not possibly care about the subject matter, it's really awful and biased. read that crap here: )

Ms. Bellafante-

I am one of millions of women around the *world* who happen to have not only read Mr. Martin's Song of Ice and Fire books, I have read these books several times. And they aren't small books. They aren't easy reads. A Storm of Swords in its paperback form is 1125 pages. It has 244 voiced characters (I believe). You may be dismayed to learn that for the series, several characters have already gotten the axe to keep it simple. I'm sorry it isn't simple enough for you. That doesn't mean it is difficult for everyone.

I am disgusted that you imply the only reason women would watch the show is because of the sex. The sex in the books has never been a motivating factor for me. Why would I wade through 1000 pages of well-written dialogue just for the sex? Please. I haven't seen the show so I can't speak for how it is handled, but in the books, it's pretty realistic, it's never added gratuitously, and 90% of the time, it is necessary to the plot line.

For the record, i would not be writing this angry email if you hadn't taken the books to task, but since you did...

I love these books like I have never loved fiction. I like Annie Dillard and Barbara Kingsolver and Ayn Rand, not just books about dragons. But I tell you what- I don't own first *and* second editions of their books. I have never stood in line for five hours to get a book signed by Barbara Kingsolver. I've done that for George. Why? Because he is a great guy, his books are interesting and well-written, and he respects his female audience like possibly no other fantasy author has done. I got a phrase from A Game of Thrones engraved in my husband's wedding ring. And you know what? I am not the only one. For giggles, someday you should just look into how many little girls have been named Arya in the past 10 years. Do you really think that many mothers would give up naming rights?!?!?

Please don't make sweeping generalizations about women and what books they prefer to read. You, apparently, don't know any women like me. It's a pity that your friend circle is so small and narrow. Enjoy Laurie Moore's next book. Or whatever her name is. Never heard of her.
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10 Day Meme [Feb. 14th, 2011|10:13 am]
Days nine and ten.

Day Nine- Two Photos/images that describe my life right now:

1- this is part of Jeff's gift to me this Valentines Day. It is creepy and wonderful and I love it so hard. It's actually about 7" tall, this photo doesn't do it justice. AND it was only 5 bucks. Yay TJ Maxx!

2- Kaia died. It is getting a little bit easier every day, but it still really, really hurts.

The second one should also have a huge pile of snotty kleenexes next to it.

And Day Ten- One confession

I've been really slipping re: eating well. Like, really slipping. Like, eating fast food almost every day this past week.
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I am a little better today. [Feb. 10th, 2011|09:11 am]
A little. I took two generic benadryl (same active ingredient as OTC sleeping pills, did you know that?)and they knocked me out. I managed to mostly sleep through the night, which was much much much needed.

The house still feels too empty. I am still really sad today, but better. So far I've kept the crying at a respectable non-wailing level.

Willis is freaking out. He keeps running (well, at his size, it's a trot, but it's a brisk pace for him) around, meowing at places where she used to hide and especially the places she hung out toward the end, and then he comes back out by me and yowlmeows and tries to lead me to those places. Seriously. As much as I joke about him being dumb, he is a pretty smart cat. I think my strategy with him will be distraction with toys. When he really starts to freak out, I'll just play with him until he's really tired out, so he doesn't have the energy to fret like this.

I'm starting to realize that while it is really stressful, the move might help me and Willis heal a great deal. There won't be all kinds of memories in the new place, I won't have to think about how pitiful she looked laying under the bathtub every time I go pee (we have a clawfoot tub here). Willis won't be running laps looking under furniture for her because most of our furniture will be gone.

I realize it sounds like I am trying to banish the memory of my cat. I'm not. In fact, we do have plans to display a photo of her and her "cremains" pretty prominently in our home. It's just that right now, it hurts so very much and the hole is so very fresh.

I am going to try to scrape together the gumption to pack some of my kitchen things today, and then go cut cheese at the co-op. I am thankful for the distraction cheese duty will provide.
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10 Day Meme [Feb. 10th, 2011|08:41 am]
Day Eight- Three of my favorite possessions

1- My big cast iron skillet
2- my interchangeable needle set
3- My Leif Larson painting, pictured here:
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10 Day Meme [Feb. 8th, 2011|12:06 pm]
Day Seven- Four things I want in a romantic partner

1- mad oral sex skillz.
2- vulnerability
3- a compatible sense of humor
4- patience patience patience
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10 Day Meme [Feb. 7th, 2011|07:46 am]
Day Six- Five people who mean a lot to me, in no particular order.

Bethany, who has been my friend since High School. I would call her my BFF, for sure. And I still love her, even if she is a crazy dog lady. (Dog ladies are crazier than cat ladies, officially. I am pointing to the bizarre Valentines Day trend of giant stuffed cupcake houses with little stuffed dogs inside.)

Jeff, the love of my life. Barf barf barf, right? But he really is. So there.

Stephani. We've kind of "grown up" together. She's saved my life on numerous occasions.

My mom. In spite of everything.

Rebecca. We had a long period of no contact, and we were pretty mad at each other for a while, but we got through it :)
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